Attachment, new fathers, Parenting, surrogacy

The Disconnect

Reposted with permission from the blog Spawn of Mike and Mike who created their family through surrogacy in India, using two surrogates at the same time.  They brought home their adorable daughters in April 2009.

So we’re in the home stretch! YEAH! And I, Mike A., am finally getting more an more excited. Now don’t get me wrong, I was excited before, but as the due date nears, the disconnect I felt initially is slowly dissipating.

I’ve been meaning to write a post about this for a while, but there never seems to be enough time in the day. So, I’m writing this late at night. And there is never enough time in the night for sleep. Why? Cause I’m writing this!

This journey has been a whirlwind and surrealistic. I’m reminded of the infamous melting watches of Dali. That’s kind of how I feel…rubbery, slippery, time oozing by me. Both Mike and I readily admit when we did this, we half expected it would fail. We’d be devastated, but then we’d pick ourselves up and just move along. But it didn’t fail…it was all too successful which led to panic and excruciatingly hard decisions.

But throughout all this, I’ve still felt somewhat disconnected. A good reason behind that is the fact that our babies are growing in two woman whom we’ve never met, and whom are 8,000 miles away. So it’s not like we can ask them over for tea…or in this case, chai. So I feel almost as if I’m merely going through the motions of preparing for two additions to our family. I’m doing what needs to be done, but I’m on auto pilot. And it doesn’t help we’ve been so busy with work I barely have time to call my mother…much less e-mail her!

I’m absolutely positive once I get to India and see our babies for the first time, this disconnect will be obliterated and I will be a sobbing elated idiot. As it is, my excitement level is finally starting to get in line with the reality of the situation. My twin brother went through a similar disconnect when his daughter was born. He and his wife had a hard time getting pregnant. When they did, my niece came VERY early. He was afraid to show any attachment. I think he was afraid if he did, he would just be crushed if anything happened and she didn’t make it. Perhaps I’m going through the same thing.

Mike and I have gone through extremes to get this far. Maybe I’m afraid of jinxing it. I mean, Jewish culture waits until after the baby is born before they have a baby shower. HEY! Maybe I’m Jewish? Yeah…I’m pretty sure I’m not.

Well, I’m getting there. Before you know it, I’ll be waking up in India going…”HOLY CRAP! I’m a dad!” Until then, I need to reconnect with my bed pillow.

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