Which is Correct? Is Adopted or Was Adopted

As a parent of a child who came to your home by means of adoption, more often than not over time you forget how you became a family and instead focus on being a family. As a waiting family, all you do is live and breathe adoption. Even afterwards, while you are introducing your little one to the world, much of your time and discussions revolve around adoption.

I’ve heard adoptive parents say that adoption was a one-time thing and so they always make a point to say that their child was adopted when it pertains to the discussions.

But then, from listening to the voices of adoptees I would guess that the majority of adoptees feel as though adoption has impacted their lives forever and so thinking of themselves as an adoptee and not someone who was once adopted may feel more accurate.

Different terms are appropriate for different purposes.

As a mother, I don’t want my child to feel as though his whole identity is solely centered on adoption. But as a parent, I need to understand how my son may feel now and as he grows older as adoption as a part of his story. I don’t want to chalk everything in his life up to the fact that he was adopted but I also don’t want to assume that none of his struggles are adoption related either.

So what’s the right answer?

Well, it’s a balance. Just like marriage begins one day marked by a wedding, it’s also a lifestyle and commitment to someone else’s needs as well as your own? So is adoption. The act of adoption has several specific days associated with the process however being adopted or being an adoptee is lifelong and becomes a part of one’s identity. It’s a part, a piece, of who someone is.

I believe one of the most important and maybe hardest parts of parenting an adoptee is allowing space for ALL his or her feelings surrounding adoption. The good and the bad. Adoption is tough and unless we are adoptees’ ourselves, we cannot fully understand what our children are feeling. However, we can create an environment of open dialogue. Where our children feel ok sharing their feelings without worrying about how their own feelings might impact us.

The last thing I want is for my son to hold back his true feelings because he is worried about how I might feel about his feelings. He needs to know that my love for him is stronger than any uncomfortable conversation. That, to me, his feelings are just as important as my own.

Searching For Answers: Finding Your Birth Family

Prior to adolescence, children become extremely curious about their adoption stories and get into the stage of asking questions to fulfill their curiosity. Once they reach the adolescent age they start to demand fuller and more actual answers. Some of the most popular questions that will be thrown at you are;
• Why was I adopted?
• What’s the truth about my adoption?
• Why do I feel different from everyone else?
• What will happen when I leave home?
• Who am I?

The most important question that may arise and take a big impact on everyone’s life is; is it okay if I search  for my birthparents? As parents you will have to remember and understand that when your children think about their birthparents and show interest in meeting with them, it doesn’t mean that they love you any less. Research has shown that ALL adopted children ponder the existence and character of their birthparents at some point in their lives. This is why open adoption has become so popular in the past few decades. If you are adoptive parents in a situation where you didn’t go through with open adoption and your child now would like to search for their birthparents, certain factors and steps will need to come into play.

Search Support: What Every Adoptive Parent Should Know

There are many important guidelines to take into consideration that adoptive parents must consider when their adult child begins the search and reunion journey. For most adoptees, search is experienced as an expansion of sense of self and NOT as a rejection of the adoptive family. https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/adoption/search

Before the Search

1. Keep a dialogue open

You should talk with your child about their birth family from the day he/she joins the family. This conversation does not need to occur every day but to share information at a developmentally age appropriate level once in a while is important. As an adoptive parent, withholding information from an adoptee is not a sign of love and protection but a sign of disrespect, indicating their lack of trust that the adoptee can make adult decisions. In the end, openness trumps secrecy every time, no matter what the adoption story is.

2. Support but do not direct a search

In a lot of situations adoptive parents become tempted to move from showing support to taking control of the search. As an adoptive parent you may assist by providing information such as the adoption order, the social history of the birth family, papers from the agency and communications from social workers, lawyers and doctors involved in the placement. All of this is support but do NOT take over the search, it is important that the adoptee’s search must follow their own pace. Remember as parents you are there for encouragement and support through the emotional highs and lows of the process.

3. Do NOT speak negatively about the birthparents

Some adoptive parents are prone to speak of the birth family is negative tones in an attempt to bring the adoptee closer to their family. Speaking negatively about the birth family does not discourage the adoptees from searching but in fact makes the adoptees desire to make contact with their birthparents that much stronger. If you wish to keep your child close, hold adult conversations with them and never speak ill about their birth family.

4. Watch your wording when speaking to your adoptee

In search and reunion, “no” often means “not yet” or “I can’t tell you.” Sometimes adoptees reject a search for fear of hurting their parents which in some cases results in the adoptee hiding the search from their parents and in other cases it means delaying the search. To delay a search denies the adoptee the opportunity to receive the emotional support from the adoptive parents. The need to search for your birth parents as an adoptee is normal development part of the process of adoption and if you ignore or discourage the search, you are abrogating your responsibility as parents.

During and After the Search

1. Adoptee’s emotional roller coaster

Following the reunion, adoptees could come emotionally involved with the birth family and exclusion of their adoptive family may occur. As the adoptive parent you will be playing an important role as a supporter in their emotional roller coaster which will include changes in their mood, anger or depression. There are a lot of different situations that will arise in a search and reunion. There can be a huge feeling of let down after meeting their birth family or they might love them and want to spend every waking moment with them. No matter what the outcome is, just know as an adoptive parent the best thing you can do for your child is be there as their support system.

2. Facing and responding to loss of time

For adoptive parents, if you didn’t adopt your child there is the loss of the child that they never had. For the birthparents there is a loss of child that they did not get to raise and for the adoptee, there is the loss of the self they might have been if there life would have been different and the adoption never happened. Without the search and reunion, adoptees also lose a full medical, genetic and historical history that links them to their origins. In turn, all participants in an adoption must face issues of loss which is accompanied by grief. For a re-connection and reunion to work there must be mutual recognition of loss on all parties.

3. Re-connection of Adoptive families and birthparents

In a lot of cases, adoptees prefer that their adoptive parents join them in reconnecting with the birth family. Successful integration of the two families requires patience and acceptance. The two families may differ in ethnicity, life experiences and social classes. In some instances, adoptive and birth mothers make strong connections right away which will allow the adoptee to feel a sense of relief. A successful reunion of the two families will occur if both sides recognize that the search and reunion is about the adoptee feeling connected to both sides.

Searching for the Birthparents

Unfortunately, if the adoption was “closed”, it could be extremely hard to find your birth family. If you are lucky to live in a state with open adoption records and are 18 years or older, you can just ask the state for a copy of your original birth certificate. If your adoption was in: Maine, Alaska, Kansas, New Hampshire, Oregon or Alabama, you can request your original birth certificate which will have your birth parents names on it. Unfortunately, some states have limited open adoption record laws and much more research will have to come into play.
1. Adoptive Parents: As an adoptee, searching for your original identity, the first thing you need to do is to try and find as much information as you can from your adoptive parents. Ask them for any paperwork they might have from your adoption
2. Agency: The agency that facilitated the adoption keep their own records and have their own procedures involved for reunions which usually makes them a good place to start an adoption search.
3. Lawyers: Lawyers that were involved in the adoption process might have paperwork on hand with names of each party.
4. Adoption Reunion Registries: Your biological family might have begun searching for you as well and this is where adoption reunion registries will come into play. The two registries that we would recommend which have a high success rate are http://www.isrr.net/ and http://registry.adoption.com/.
5. Social Media: In today’s society, social media has become an amazing tool for adoption searches. Search engine sites such as Google and Bing have helped many families reunite as well. Here are a few tips if you use social media in your search to find your birthparents.

• The birth date, sex of the adoptees and the location are going to be the most important KEYWORDS of a search.
• Create a blog for your adoption; search blogs are much more searchable through search engines.
• Create a FB page with a good picture, share and tag the adoption search page.
The search for your birth parents could be a long process, it is great to keep a positive attitude, but try to be ready for any type of unexpected situation

Remember, whether you are an adoptive parent or an adoptee that is deciding to go down the path of search and reunion, you must be prepared to find troubling details about the birth family. Think about all situations and outcomes that could occur before beginning the search. A majority of adoptees, adoptive parents and birth parents will say that their search and re-connection journey was successful. Whether the reunion develops into a positive relationship with both families will depend on the willingness and acceptance of differences and changes on all their lives.

The Immense Differences between Working with a Private Adoption Agency and Foster Care Adoption: The Advantages and Disadvantages of Both Options

If you are considering adoption, you must fully transition and commit before beginning the adoption process. As prospective adoptive parents, you have to decide what type of adoption you are interested in pursuing, which depends on several factors. Do you want to adopt a baby or an older child? Do you want the birthparents to be involved? How much money are you able to spend on the process? These are all questions that should be answered as a family before moving forward with adoption. There are many misconceptions that come from not only private adoption but foster care adoption as well. There are articles on top of articles on the differences between the two but we wanted to simplify the advantages and disadvantages of both options to make it easier on all hopeful adoptive parents.

https://afth.wordpress.com/2011/01/05/adoption-vs-foster-care/

The Pro’s and Con’s of Foster Care/ State Adoption

The advantages include:

1. Cost of Adoption is minimal: Expenses are none or minimal. Additionally many families are eligible for the federal tax credit up to $13,190 in tax year 2014. Don’t choose Foster Care Adoption because it is the least expensive option, remember to choose the route that best fits your family.
2. Provide Child Permanent Home- There is no greater gift than opening your doors and providing a child in need a home and family that they can call their own
3. Birth Parents Can’t Change Mind – A common fear in domestic adoption is that the birth mother can change her mind before the adoption is complete. In foster care adoption, the biological parents’ parental rights have already been terminated before the child is available for adoption. Thus, there are never any failed adoptions because of a birth parent changes their mind.

The disadvantages include:

1. Uncertainty: Almost 50% of children in foster care are reunified with their family of origin. This means that there is a potentially painful separation for both parties.
2. Infants Aren’t Usually Available: Because of the multiple chances biological parents have to rehabilitate themselves before their parental rights are terminated, most of the children that become available for adoption when they are older.
3. Emotional Damage on Child: The child has already experienced a separation from his/her biological parents and may even have been the victim of neglect or child abuse. This may affect the child both currently and as they get older.

Statistics on Foster Care Adoption

1. More than 60% of children in foster care spend two to five years in the system before being adopted. Almost 20% spend five or more years in foster care before being adopted. Some never get adopted.
2. Of the over 400,000 children in foster care in the U.S., 114,556 cannot be returned to their families and are waiting to be adopted.
3. The age distribution of children in foster care waiting for adoptions is as follows:

1-3 years = 26%
4-6 years = 19%
7-9 years = 15%
10-14 years = 20%
15+ years = 12%^g

4. One in three children adopted from foster care are adopted by parents who are a different race. Most adopted children from foster care are non-white, while the majority (73%) of the children’s adopted parents is white.
5. Nearly 40% of children adopted from foster care live in families with three or more adopted and birth children, making their family structures more complex than other adopted children.

The Pro’s and Con’s of Working with a Private Adoption Agency

There are a number of benefits that come with choosing private agency to help with your adoption. Agencies typically are skilled at matching children to families in addition to being familiar with the various legal matters that go along with adoption. In most instances, an adoption agency can help prospective parents with a wide range of services, such as finding the biological parent of the child to organizing and filing the adoption paperwork. In addition, adoption agencies can help with home inspections, getting the necessary consents, and even helping parents understand various state laws that deal with adoptions. With all of the advantages comes disadvantages that are brought on when choosing adoption through an agency rather than foster care adoption. Agencies often continue to offer any future support you or your child may need as they grow older. Similar to choosing fostercare, in addition to advantages there are also disadvantages by choosing this path of adoption.

 The advantages include:

1. Greater control over choice for birth parents and adoptive parents. Working with a private adoption agency allows all parties involved to make choices about the baby and each other.
2. More information. Direct contact means more extensive background information for the child, including medical, social, and religious histories.
3. More immediate bonding. Private adoption allows the newborn baby to bypass foster care in a temporary home or an orphanage.
4. Chance of shorter search. Families who want to adopt sooner choose private adoption because wait times are typically shorter on average than foster care adoption.

The disadvantages include:

1. Unpredictability of costs. . Even though the costs are higher and may be more unpredictable, families are still eligible for the federal tax credit upon finalization (which was $13,190 for the 2014 tax year)
2. Inability to select the gender of the child.
3. Greater stress. Because of the active role that birth parent(s) and adoptive parents play in a private adoption, there can be a great deal of stress. Birth parents can change their minds about placing the child after birth. However, the length of time during which a birth parent can change his/her mind is governed by law and varies from state to state.

Wrapping it All up

At the start of writing this blog, we asked our followers on different social media platforms their opinions about the topic a long with any personal real life involvements that they might have had along the way.

“We have adopted privately and also foster to adopt. I always tell couples that want to adopt their first child, fostering is not for the weak. It’s a long, emotional drama filled journey that ends in absolutely the most joyous event, the adoption.”

While there are many cons to adopting, many adoptive parents agree that the pros outweigh the cons. If adopting is important to you, choose the route that accommodates your lifestyle, financial situation and emotional state. Remember, just as families don’t get to pick their biological children, many times they don’t get to pick an adoptive child either. Flexibility, an open mind and an open heart are must haves for a successful adoption.

Adopting As a Single Parent by Choice, Making Dreams into Reality!

Raising a child as a single parent might be viewed by others as an “unconventional” life choice but to mothers and fathers who choose to do it on their own; they just want to make their dream into reality. Single men and women want to adopt a child for many of the same reasons that couples want to. They want to be a parent, have a child to love, want to give a child a home, pregnancy might not be an option, and the list could go on. There has been an increasing in single adoptive parents over the past few years and whatever the reasons leading them to adoption, their journey is something to be celebrated.

Many people hear the word “single parent” and automatically think that a tragedy or divorce caused their single status but that not always the case. There are many singles who make the choice to enter the world of parenthood.

The past few decades have seen an incredible increase in the number of families headed by single mothers. Unlike the stereotypical images of an un-wed, poverty-stricken, uneducated, and young teen or woman facing parenthood alone, an increasing number of successful, single well-educated professional women in their 30’s and 40’s are arriving at motherhood through adoption by choice. AFTH has quite a few singles, both men and women, who are looking to adopt.

“I am so excited to become a mother-something I knew I wanted from when I was just a little girl. Although having a biological child has not been a possibility for me, I decided that should not stop me from making my dreams into reality of becoming a parent.”-Hopeful single adoptive parent at AFTH

To read more about some of our single’s that are waiting to adopt, check out our website where you can read more into their profile books and learn about their journey and how they ended up deciding to adopt. www.afth.org/meet-our-families

 Statistics of Single Parent Households in the US

Single parenthood is very common in the United States. Even today when 50% of U.S. children will spend some part of their childhoods in a single parent family, there is still contempt for single moms and dads. Did you know that more than 22 million children under the age of 21 are being raised in a single parent household? Here are just a few more appealing statistics. http://singleparents.about.com/od/legalissues/p/portrait.htm

• About 28% of children worldwide live in a single-parent household.
• In the United States, 80.6% of single parents are mothers. Among this percentage of single mothers: 45% of single mothers are currently divorced or separated, 1.7% are widowed, and 34% of single mothers never have been married.
• 76% of custodial single mothers are gainfully employed and 85.1% of custodial single fathers are gainfully employed

 Even today when 50% of U.S. children will spend some part of their childhood in a single parent family, there are still often many misperceptions about single parenthood however times are changing and society is beginning to embrace the many different ways a family can be formed.

 Statistics of Single Parent Adoption

Unfortunately years ago, if you had gone to an adoption agency as a single person and applied for a child, you would have been turned down. Now, thousands of children in the United States and other countries are living with single men and women who have chosen to become parents and who have been given the opportunity to provide a loving home for a child. Below are just some statistics about adoption and adopting as a single parent. http://statistics.adoption.com/information/adoption-statistics-single-parents.html

•  Every state in the country currently allows single adults to adopt children.
• Approximately 25 percent of adoptions of children with special needs are by single people.
• In 2011 nearly 1/3 of adoptions from foster care we completed by unmarried individuals. This number includes adoptions from more than 13,000 single women and 1,400 single men.

Controversy of Single Parent Adoption

 Most single parents agree that the joy of bringing a child into your life far outweighs the challenges added as being a single parent. Single parents, whether through adoption or circumstance, do face unique aspects to parenting solely due to the fact that there is one of them as opposed to two. There can also be some benefits of single parenthood such as having less people to coordinate parenting decisions with. One of the biggest obstacles many single parents may face are the opinions and objections society might have. Sadly, there are some people who still believe that singles should not be allowed to adopt children. Here are just some arguments and opinions many single parents by choice have heard along the way.

• A child needs two parents so that one can fill in for the other when one is too tired, sick, and so on.
• A child needs to be raised by both a male and female parent
• If a single parent becomes ill or dies, the child will be orphaned.
• Due to the need to work to provide for the child, they cannot be an at-home parent and give the child the attention he/or she will need.
• Single parents often live under poverty line and receive government assistance

 Finding a good support system through the way

With all of the opinions, arguments and judgments you will surely hear along the way during you adoption process as a single parent know that it is important to be strong in the decision you make and know that you can make your dream of parenthood true. To help, it is important to find a good support system, a network of people who care about you and who will be there for you both emotionally and physically when you need it.

We find that many of the prospective adoptive parents working with AFTH say that they often find additional support as they go through the adoption process. Adoption is a thread that can pull many people together throughout the journey. You may find friends and neighbors as well as other hopeful adoptive parents you meet through the agency classes and events that have a connection to adoption that you will gain as resources for support along the way.

Below are just some helpful organizations geared to single parents that can be there for you whether you have a question or just need someone to talk to that can relate to your situation.

• National Council for Single Adoptive Parents
  E-mail: ncsap@hotmail.com
  Web site: http://www.adopting.org/ncsap.html
• Adoption Resource Exchange for Single Parents (ARESP)
  301-585-5836
  Web site: http://www.aresp.net
  E-mail: aresp@aresp.net.
• Single Parent Resource Center
  31 E. 28th Street
  New York, NY 10016

One Step at a Time

Whether you are thinking about adopting as a single parent or you know someone that is a single parent, remember that millions of children are growing up healthy and happy in single-parent households. And that single hopeful adoptive parents are just trying to pursue their dream of parenthood just as any other parent. Like all worthwhile journeys, the path of single adoptive parenthood is easiest when taken one step at a time. To read more about single parent households and how less than a quarter of American families fit the old “Leave It To Beaver” model of a married, two-parent, opposite-sex household with children, check out our Families Are Changing post from 2009. https://afth.wordpress.com/2010/09/29/families-are-changing/

December Book Reviews 2014

All books purchased by clicking the link in our review will give AFTH a small donation from Amazon.com.  If you are interested in purchasing one of the books in our review please consider buying it through our link to amazon.com.

 Orphan Train: A Novel by Christina Baker Kline – Flipping back and forth between the past and the present, Orphan Train tells the story of two women who have very similar stories to tell.  Vivian lost her family when she was nine and wound up on an “orphan train” to the midwest from New York, where she was given to one family or another in the hope of someone adopting her.  Molly’s father was killed and her mother, hooked on drugs, couldn’t care for her so she moved from foster home to foster home.

Its also a story of the child welfare system, how children were often traded for service and room and board, names changed to suit their new wards, babies were adopted first and older children were left unwanted, now isn’t all that different. While there are more checks and balances children are sometimes taken in by foster families, “for the money” received to care for them, and treated as little more than servants, shuffled around from place to place. While the foster care system doesn’t fail every child it still needs a lot of work. Stories like Molly’s are unfortunately too common.

This was a gripping book that shows that you can’t judge a person on looks, that there is always a story to be learned from people and that the young can really benefit from working with and learning from older people. The relationship between Vivian and Molly is so beautiful and the loneliness they felt before they met oozed off the page, the discovery of their shared experiences forms a bond that helps to heal both of them.  amazon.com price $8.99 kindle price $6.99

The Day The Storm Came: A Therapeutic Story for children who have experienced loss. by Helen Lees – This book is great for children who have experienced any type of loss or even a change in circumstance. Through a simple story and cute photos it helps kids realize that despite changes that may have happened in their lives and any sadness they are feeling at the moment the sun will come out again.  amazon.com price $9.99 

– Most adoption books tell you the story of an adoptive parent, their struggle through infertility, the hoop jumping and red tape of adoption and ultimately the joy of a successful adoption. My 2 Secrets tells the adoption story from the perspective of a birth mother.  This is a short but powerful story of a woman who places not one but two children for adoption and her struggle to keep this a secret and then ultimately come to terms with it.  For adoptive parents this is an essential read to help get them out of their story and put them in the position of a pregnant woman trying to come to terms with one of the hardest decisions of her life.  amazon  price $12.43 Kindle edition $2.99 

October Book Reviews 2014

All books purchased by clicking the link in our review will give AFTH a small donation from Amazon.com.  If you are interested in purchasing one of the books in our review please consider buying it through our link to amazon.com.

My Sister Abby by Allison Barberi – Simple story of a young girl whose family adopts another child of a different race and culture. It briefly touches on how siblings don’t always look alike and that people of different cultures celebrate holidays or birthdays in different ways. It didn’t touch on race, which given the age range this book is intended for is okay but I did feel was a missing piece. The focus of the story seemed to focus on being happy to have a sister to share things with. amazon.com price $8.97 kindle price $5.99

Yes, I’m Adopted! by Sharlie Zinniger –  I really enjoyed this book right up to the end until the Authors threw in God. I feel this was just an unnecessary addition but probably won’t bother most people.  This is a sweet story with an en empowering message to help adopted children who may feel that different is bad to realize different is just different and different can in fact be very good. I loved the subtle nod to Superman and his being different and adopted – I think that this book would really speak to boys but girls would certainly enjoy it as well. amazon.com price $8.99 Kindle price $1.99

This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life by Danielle Owens-Reid & Kristin Russo– This is a great book to help parents of lgbt kids and also for lgbt kids or adults to read.  While the questions are directed to parents the answers may help lgbt youth feel better about the reactions they may receive or questions that people ask.  This is all new to many people and while it may have taken a long time to come to the conclusion that you needed to come out as lgbt you need to give others the space to ask questions and come to terms with it as well.  Sometimes what sounds like a negative question is just that a question with no malice attached to it more of a information gathering to help the other person process the information.  Each chapter focuses on different aspect of coming out and at the end of each chapter there is a short summary of what was talked about. There are real life stories and scenarios scattered throughout the book that also help make this book more accessible and not just feel like a textbook. amazon  price $15.99 Kindle edition $9.99 

Family Medical History: Unknown/Adopted: How a Routine Inquiry Led to Unexpected Answers for an Adopted Woman by Nancy Kacirek Feldman & Rebecca Crofoot –  Many adult adoptees know the pain of not knowing their family medical history and the awkward conversations that can be had at doctors offices when trying to explain that they were adopted.  In fact medical history is a big reason why many adoptees search for their birth parents.

While this is not a particularly well written book it does describe the process and the roller coaster of emotions that are involved with searching for your roots. Nancy tells most of the story from her perspective through narrative, letters, and emails.  Becky, the social worker for the agency that Nancy was adopted through helps fill in some of the legal gaps and letting readers know what is normal and expected along the way.  I thought this book was very well balanced and honest.  amazon price $13.41 Kindle price 3.95

July Book Reviews 2014

All books purchased by clicking the link in our review will give AFTH a small donation from Amazon.com.  If you are interested in purchasing one of the books in our review please consider buying it through our link to amazon.com.

After Isaac by Avra Wing – This book succeeds in taking you through the process of recovering from the loss of a child to flying half way around the world to adopt another.  The main character of Aaron is realistic, observant, and relatable. The story actually takes place a year after Isaacs death as the family continues to struggle with their loss and to stay together and heal. This is a refreshing and emotional read about death, the emotions of those left behind and ultimately healing and learning to love again. While this book is considered a young adult book it is really suitable for adults as well. amazon.com price $8.09 kindle price $4.99

Lost Daughters: Writing Adoption From a Place of Empowerment and Peace edited by Amanda H.L. Transue-Woolston, Julie Stromberg, Karen Pickell & Jennifer Anastasi  Stories from a wide and diverse range of female adult adoptees.  This book is honest, sometimes difficult to read and often times validating.  Some of these women have had difficult experiences some have had fabulous experiences but what they all share is that they are adopted and their adoption effected them in different ways.  Since each story is only about a page long this is an easy book to pick up randomly read a few pages, put it down and come back to it later. amazon.com price $11.69 Kindle Price $9.99

Not many adoptive parents have been on the other side of the adoption process as a birth parent nor can they imagine it.  Yvette has literally come full circle with adoption.  When she was a young woman she made the difficult decision to place her child for adoption.  Then after a marriage, divorce and medical issues that left her unable to conceive she found herself on the opposite side of the adoption table, as a prospective adoptive parent. Ultimately Yvette adopts three children but her struggles and her story really show both sides of the adoption story. amazon  price $8.99 Kindle edition $7.19