Every adoption story is unique. No set of circumstances is ever identical. Many adoptions are mixed in heartache, loss, grief, confusion, misunderstanding, and many unanswered questions.
Due to the incredibly diverse mix of emotions, varying circumstances, and the number of affected people, adoption searches can be very complicated. Some adoption searches can be unsuccessful because of the varying nature of the adoption.
The harshness of this reality that does sometimes occur with adoption searches can be hard to overcome. As an adoptee, it can be hard to face this reality that your birth parents have decided to keep their identity anonymous and wish not to be found.
Here are some potential whys that might help you walk in the shoes of birth parents who don’t want to be found:
The hope in presenting these reasons is to give some perspective for adoptees wanting to start their search or who have experienced this firsthand.
The birth parent felt that it was not the right time to parent and decided to place for adoption to give their child a better life with someone who was ready to parent but did not want to have contact with the child in order to move on.
After the adoption, the birth parent chose to close the door on a painful experience to find closure in their life. Perhaps they are too afraid to open that door and step back inside.
A biological parent could be embarrassed at the current state of their life and do not want to open up their history and decisions to the child they placed for adoption.
A birth parent might not want their family to know about a secret that’s been kept hidden for years – the adoptee’s existence. The birth parent’s partner and others in their life might not even know that the adopted child exists.
If trauma surrounds the conception, adoption, or both, it can be hard to face those emotions again. For example, if the conception occurred due to rape, a birth mother might have felt it was too traumatic to parent the child.
The biological mother may have been a victim of abuse or danger in some way and may fear the potential of being reconnected to the man if she opens the door to their biological child.
The remorse and feelings that a birth parent carries might still be too painful to face. A biological parents’ feelings might not be resolved and override their desire to reconnect with the child they placed.
Admittedly, it is hard to outline and fully understand all the reasons for birth parents choosing not to have contact, as each is unique and comes with lots of emotions.
It is crucial to go into the birth parent search process when you are mentally and emotionally ready. You have to find a level of closure with the possibility that your biological parents do not want contact. Understand that it is out of your control. You can find closure in other ways like attending a support group, seeking therapy, finding other adoptees, writing a letter, journaling, or having a support system in place.