November is National Adoption Month

Every November people across the country celebrate National Adoption Awareness month.  Founded primarily to promote domestic adoption of children in the US foster care system, it has branched out to include awareness that children all across the world are in need of homes.  It has also become a time when families celebrate the joy adoption has brought to their lives.  We asked several families how they celebrate National Adoption Month:

“We ask the pastor at our church to mention adoption in his sermons during the month.” – Michael, Sara & John  – domestic adoption 2005

“We always start the month by  telling the story of how we became a family….” Richard, Mary & Maya – China adoption 2000

“Last year, Emily and her friends held a bake sale with the proceeds going to China’s Tomorrow Plan” – Rachel & Emily – China adoption 1993

“We have a very open relationship with Courtney’s birth mother, who lives a few hours away, so we try to get together sometime in November, to celebrate how we all became family.”  – John, Mary & Courtney – domestic adoption 1993

“We donate an adoption book to the school library at our children’s school, Emily came up with the idea when she was in first grade and wondered why she couldn’t find any adoption related books at her school. Now we donate books to Maya and Sam’s schools too. ” – Cindy, Emily, Maya (China adoption 1994, 1996) & Sam – Guatemala 1998

No matter how a family celebrates, it is the common thread of adoption that joins everyone together.  By sharing stories and shedding light on the millions of children in need of homes across the world and here in the US the adoption community joins together to share in the joy adoption brings to families.

How to fund an adoption

This information was provided by the ABBA fund Blog. ABBA fund is a Christian based organization that provides no interest loans to Christian families.

Federal Adoption Tax Credit

Currently the federal adoption tax credit provides a credit of up to $12,150 per child (2009) for “qualified adoption expenses.” This credit has helped many couples plan and finance their adoption. Additional details about the Federal Adoption Tax Credit can be found at here.

Interest-Free Adoption Loans

• The ABBA Fund is designed to help Christian families overcome the financial obstacles of adoption through interest-free loans that can be paid back over time.
• LegacyChild is a ministry of the ABBA Fund designed for families to set up memorial funds in memory of a loved one. The family is able to choose a pre-approved family that is waiting for funding for their adoption from our website to receive an interest-free loan. Click here to find out how you can start a memorial fund and click here to see the families waiting for funding for their adoption.
• Lifesong and Family Legacies are two other organizations that provide interest-free loans.
• Other loan options worth looking into are Home Equity Loans, Lines of Credit, borrowing from family or friends, low-interest credit cards.

Fundraising

A legitimate way to raise money for your adoption is through good ol’ fashioned fundraising. I have heard of families selling baked goods, holding garage sales, etc. My wife and I were given 200 worship CD’s by a friend who has a band that we in turn sold for $10 a piece to friends at church. We sold over 120 CD’s and that paid for a good portion of the home study costs. There are many possibilities here. Check out my post on Adoption Fundraising ideas.

Gifts

Many friends and family, once they realize how much adoption costs, will joyfully give to help out. I recommend being honest with people about how much adoption costs and at the same time honest about your trust in God to provide those finances. We were blessed to receive a number of one-time gifts from individuals whom God stirred to give.

Grants

There are a number of ministries that give grants that are worth looking into, most notably:

• Shaohannah’s Hope
• Caroline’s Promise (North Carolina only)
• God’s Grace Adoption Ministries (matching grants)
• The MICAH Fund (Midwest only)
• International Children’s Adoption Resource Effort
• National Adoption Foundation
• A Child Waits
• Our Creators Hope
• The LYDIA Fund (International Adoptions)
• Katelyn’s Fund
• Orphan Impact
• Cadman Foundation

Employer Adoption Assistance

A number of companies have adoption assistance programs built into their benefits with some providing between $2000 to $8000. For more information visit www.adoptionfriendlyworkplace.org

Church Adoption Assistance Funds

An increasing number of churches are establishing Adoption Funds as part of their budgets. Our current church has such a fund though it is not widely advertised. I recommend asking your pastor whether your church has something set up. If not, ask about starting a fund. This may feel awkward or a conflict of interest but I believe that the long-term benefit to the church will outweigh the benefit you will receive if it is setup right. For information on how the ABBA Fund can help you establish and administrate a Church Matching Grant and Interest-Free Loan Fund for Adoption at your church visit our website here.

Meeting My Birth Mother

This piece has also been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.

By Katie G., Boston, MA

My name is Kathryn but everyone calls me Katie. I was born in Wisconsin when my birth mother was 18. Ever since I was young, m y mom would tell me I was adopted. In third grade I talked to her about meeting my birth mother and family. My mother said, “Well, you can look at the pictures.” I responded in a shocking way, saying, “No, I want to be able to smell her, see where she lives. I want to be able to see her and my birth family face to face.”

My mother thought about this and decided to be brave and contact my birth mother. That summer we took a three-week trip to Wisconsin. It was a mother-daughter adventure and on the way we had lots of fun talking and laughing. Once we got there we checked into a hotel and that same day my birth mother, Stacy, came to meet me. I was so excited and nervous at the same time.

When I heard the knock at the door, my mom went to answer it and in walked my birth mother. We all hugged and shook hands. We talked for a bit, and then went out for dinner. We learned so much about each other and how similar we were. We came up with a plan for the next day so I could meet the rest of my birth family, all except my birth father.

My mother and I drove to my birth cousin’s house where I would meet everyone. As I looked around, I could see everyone looking at us. Smiles greeted both me and my mother. We ate, talked and took pictures. The next day I went to the zoo and had the time of my life. On the last day my birth mother called my birth father and had him meet us at a park. I found out I have a half sister and a half brother.

When it was time to say good-bye, I was very sad but knew that even though I love my birth mother, I wouldn’t want to live with her. My mother lives in Belmont where my life is priceless, and I wouldn’t exchange it for the world.

Now every other year my mother and I go to Wisconsin to visit my birth family. It’s a lot of fun and my mom doesn’t regret having done it. It has been a fantastic experience and I am so lucky to have been able to do this. A lot of mothers are too scared to open up to the birth mother and let their child meet their birth parents. And many can’t even look for their birth parents until they’re 18.

If there are adoptive parents out there reading this, I would like to tell them that you should let your children meet their birth family if they want to and can. Yes, it is scary, but it is such an experience. This should only happen when the child is old enough to understand. I went when I was in third grade. You’ll end up connecting with your adopted child even more.

Editor’s Note: Laws regarding contacting birth parents differ from state to state.

Birthfathers

When most people think of the adoption triad they think of the birth mother, the adoptive family and the child but there is a missing piece to this picture.  Birth fathers may be the most overlooked individuals in the adoption process but it is important to remember that they have the same parental rights as the biological mother.  Some birth fathers contest an adoption not because they actually want to parent the child, but because they are angry at being treated as if they didn’t exist. The open adoption process welcomes birth fathers and helps them to identify ways to stay involved in their child’s life.

Birth fathers needs and wishes need to be respected and discussed in order to create a plan that is inclusive of all parties. Many birth mothers simply assume that things will be easier if the birth father remains unnamed. The birth mother may not even be aware that the birth father has legal rights. She also may have personal reasons for counting him out.
No social worker, lawyer, or adoptive parent can force a birth mother to name the birth father if she is determined to keep him anonymous but it is always better to include all parties.

Along with having the same rights as birth mothers, birth fathers are also entitled to the same services and counseling as birthmothers and are encouraged to take advantage of them. There are many social obstacles for birth fathers to overcome when considering adoption.  Many men believe that “real men keep their children” or that family and friends will think less of them for creating an adoption plan, but a responsible father is one that ensures that all of his child’s social, emotional and financial needs are met by whatever means are necessary.  Deciding on adoption is not shameful but an honorable, difficult and loving choice.

By being involved in an open adoption plan and committing to an ongoing relationship with the child and the adoptive family, birth fathers are taking an active and important role in ensuring the well-being of their child. When children have little or no contact with their biological fathers, they tend to develop unrealistically strong feelings of love or hate for them – casting birth fathers as heroes or villains. The ongoing contact afforded by open adoption allows birth fathers to develop realistic and balanced relationships with their children.

Adoptive children want and deserve to know their birth fathers just as much as their birth mothers. Both birth parents provide critical keys to a child’s emotional security and his/her genetic history.

October Book Reviews

All reviewed books are available in our branch offices or in our online store.

Dragon House by John Shors - Dragon House is a poignant story. Its powerful themes of suffering, sacrifice, friendship, and love, is a story that celebrates the human spirit, demonstrating once again that despite all the ugliness, pain and betrayal some individuals are forced to endure in life, the human spirit is resilient and cannot easily be beaten. Although the book is a work of fiction, the plight of the children is real. Yes, while post war Vietnam has improved, there remains: street children, prostitution, drug addiction, wounded war victims as well as Agent Orange victims, as well as other atrocities. There really is an organization called the Blue Dragon Children’s Foundation in Vietnam which works with children in need offering them services and support in getting back into school and breaking out of the cycle of poverty. There is already one center open in Hanoi and is widening it’s reach into Ho Chi Mihn City as well. A portion of the proceeds of this book are donated to this charity.  Retail Price $15.00 AFTH Price $12.00

Making Room in Our Hearts by Micky Duxbury – Making Room in Our Hearts covers the basic issues of open adoption while also including real-life  stories of those with experience making and living through these challenging decisions.  Common fears and concerns are addressed and there is attention given to siblings and other extended family.  This book discusses how adoption has changed and how it will continue to change in the future. Based on the author’s interviews with over one hundred adoption professionals/ experts, birth and adoptive parents, extended family, and adopted children, the book provides profiles of families from a variety of backgrounds and situations and includes a host of viewpoints of those with specific knowledge. By showing how open adoption works for others, those who are currently considering it can see how it may work for them. Retail price $19.95 AFTH price $15.00

Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control Vol 2 by Heather Forbes – Heather offers families a new view to parenting children with difficult and severe behaviors including attachment issues. As a parent herself who experienced difficult times following the adoption of her two children, she offers a ground-breaking approach to parenting that shows parents a proven way to develop strong and loving relationships with their children.The first six chapters discuss the principles of her love-based parenting paradigm. A new understanding of why traditional parenting techniques are ineffective with children with difficult behaviors is given, along with clear and concise explanations of the science behind trauma and negative early life experiences. The next seven chapters address specific behaviors, including poor social skills, homework battles, demanding behaviors, self-injury, defensive attitudes, no conscience, and chores. Each chapter gives specific examples of how to implement her parenting principles, empowering parents to make amazing and permanent changes in their homes. All the examples given throughout these chapters are true stories provided by parents. AFTH price $20.00

20 Things Adoptive Parents Need To Succeed

Free Webinar

October 13, 2009 – 8:30 PM EST

Please join Journey to Me for an amazing discussion with bestselling author and adoptee, Sherrie Eldridge. Sherrie’s well-known book, 20 Things Adoptive Children Wished Their Parent’s Knew, has influenced and helped transform adoptive families worldwide.  Don’t miss this opportunity to hear her speak on the topic of her newest book, 20 Things Adoptive Parents Need to Succeed.

CLICK HERE TO REGISTER

Journey To Me is a non-profit, 501 (c) 3 that provides educational resources to help adoptive children and their families.  Our greatest hope is that families will have the support, encouragement, and educational resources they need while raising their adoptive children.  May each family and child thrive!

Family Diversity in the Classroom

With summer officially over, and another school year in full swing, our attention has turned from recreation to education. Time once again for “Back to School” night, where we hear about the assignments our children will be working on in class and at home. However, when it comes to the subject of adoption and family diversity awareness, most school administrators and teachers still have a lot to learn. Having gone through hours of diversity training, they believe they are sensitive to such issues. However, the focus of these  sessions is usually limited to race, religion, language and economic differences to name a few, leaving a large training gap on family structure and differences.

Families are changing from the traditional two parent biological family. Today’s parents can be  single, gay or lesbian, or even grandparents, and families can be blended, foster or adoptive. We need to help educators gain a developmental perspective and understanding of these family differences to help create an atmosphere of equality and acceptance for all children.

Judging by the continued use of certain class projects, many teachers have a long way to go. Asking students to construct   time lines and family trees in elementary school, or “analyze physical attributes of  families” to discover genetic links, a common middle school assignment, are the most well known offenders. Not meant to be  mean-spirited or exclusive, they   continue largely out of habit. Such    projects do not   necessarily need to be eliminated, but restructured to be more inclusive. For example, teachers assigning a genetic links project could instruct students to use their own family, a friend’s family or a famous family, thereby eliminating any awkwardness for students who are not genetically linked to their parents. Providing children options on how to complete assignments enables them to choose what they want to share about their lives, rather than reveal information they fear may cause them to feel “different”, or be bullied or teased. Teachers who are open to such variations can help build confidence and          self-esteem, which is critical to these children.

Before you rush to the phone frustrated that your children came home in tears over a project, sit and talk with them. Find out what they are upset about and if they want your help in handling it. Some children, particularly those in       elementary school, welcome your help with classroom matters;      children in middle school and high school might be more self-conscious and not want you to “make waves.”  Follow their lead when it comes to approaching teachers. If you do decide to contact teachers, be clear that you want to discuss how the assignments have      affected your child, not their    teaching ability.

If your child really doesn’t want you to contact the teacher, consider approaching the school and  suggesting that they hold training on family diversity or family differences and their impact in the classroom.  Don’t be discouraged if the school doesn’t seem open to your recommendation — many schools are only open to overtures from parents after actual instances of teasing or insensitivity occur. But, if issues continue to arise, continue to make suggestions. Keep in mind, however, that there is a limit to what parents alone can do to affect school environments. However, we hope that together, by advocating for fundamental changes in thinking and curriculum, we can make classrooms places where our children are protected from what amounts to thoughtless remarks and class assignments. Remember, when it comes to this subject, you’re the experts.

Embryo adoption becoming the rage

Many families are turning to Assisted Reproduction in order to create or expand their families.  There are an estimated 500,000 cryo-preserved embryo’s in storage.  The families who have created these embryos have several options once they have completed their families, they can donate the remaining embryos to science, destroy them, keep them in storage, or donate them to another couple hoping to have a child.  The following links  will take you to an article about Embryo adoption that was recently in the Washington Post, and CBS interviews with several families who are going through embryo adoption, recipient and donors.

Embryo adoption becoming the rage – Washington Times

http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=4908258n

Advantages of Using a Private Agency

Prospective birth parents receive counseling. Pregnant women who work through private agencies receive counseling from professionals experienced in adoption.  Prospective adoptive parents can benefit from knowing that these women have received and can continue to receive counseling helping them to make an informed decision that is right for them both before and after they place their child.

Agency serves as an intermediary to openness.  Agencies help manage the delicate relationship between birth and adoptive parents.  Many birth and adoptive parents feel uncertain about how much to share with one another and how to forge the type of relationship that will serve their respective needs and the needs of the child in the present and future.  An agency can help a birth and adoptive family determine the degree of openness that will be comfortable and appropriate, can match families with similar contact goals, can serve as the resource that collects and forwards pictures and letters on behalf of each party, and can mediate any meetings between the families.  The agency can provide services of this nature during the placement process, at placement and into the future as needed.

Laws may reduce adoptive parent risk for agency adoption.  Agency adoptions may permit use of laws that reduce risk for adoptive parents compared to the private placement system.  For instance, NJ agencies are permitted to take a surrender of parental rights from birth parents within 72 hours and without the need to reduce the surrender to a court order.  This rule can greatly reduce risk of disruption for adoptive parents who usually receive placement of a child before the birth parents decision becomes final within the eyes of the law.

Disruption does not set you back to the drawing board. While agency placements provide a number of protections from risk for adoptive families, laws in most states still permit birth parents to change their minds or come forward to assert rights within varying time frames after a family receives placement of a child. Then if a disruption does occur, adoptive parents will not need to start from scratch because the agency can continue to work with and search for other appropriate matches and may be more inclined to advocate for a family who experiences the trauma of a disruption.  Also many agencies have policies that aid with the financial loss that a disruption may cause.  Since most fees are non-refundable many agencies may offer a new placement for a reduced fee or free of charge where attorneys may not be willing to take the financial loss of providing families with a new placement for free.

Agency relationship may permit parent outreach. Many agencies allow families to seek other avenues of finding their own birth parents.  Agencies costs vary but many have low upfront costs with majority of the fees not due until placement.  If an adoptive family finds their own birth parents, placement costs could be considerably lower, with the family still receiving the legal benefits of working through an agency.  Birthparents counseling may also be available in these situations.

Tips For Making The Most of Your Agency Experience

Research, soul search, define your goals upfront – Know what child background information you are truly open to considering.  Consider medical backgrounds and conditions, exposure to drugs and/or alcohol in utero, racial backgrounds, and degree of openness with a birth family. Research, soul search and define your goals to yourselves before defining them to the agency that you select.  You will be considered for more possible matches if you are open to a broad list of backgrounds, however, if you are not truly open to certain backgrounds and races you are doing yourself and the potential birth parent who chooses you a disservice.  Also if an agency matches you with a situation that you ultimately decline because you weren’t honest with yourselves the agency may call into question your readiness to adopt and how committed you are to the process.  Be realistic with your expectations and what you feel you can handle.

Attend agency trainings and education – Many families spend so much time focusing their efforts on the paperwork and the required meetings that they undervalue the importance of many additional low cost or free education opportunities offered to prepare clients for parenting an adopted child.  Remember, the agency’s mission is to serve the best interests of the children it places.  When the call about a match comes, the process may move fast and furious.  While you have the benefit of time and opportunity to focus and learn, take advantage of any and all tools to empower you to become a more effective parent for the child whom you will ultimately adopt.

Don’t forget that adoption is a life long process so also consider free or low-cost educational workshops, conferences, etc. as your child grows up.

Adoptive parents’ needs for service may be secondary to children and birth families. This statement may not sit well with most adoptive parents since they are paying fees that can add up to thousands of dollars.  Adoptive parent fees foot the bill for many of the “free” services offered to birth parents, such as counseling, helping them get medical assistance, taking them to clinic appointments etc.  Some of these services also ultimately benefit the children, such getting women into clinics for prenatal care, drug rehab centers, and advising them on proper nutrition..

Agencies often devote a great deal of time and attention to meeting the needs of the birth parent community before and after placement.  This is not to say that agencies aren’t there for adoptive parents as well, they are, but families may need to adjust their expectations to maximize the benefits of this system.  Studies have shown that birth parents who receive time, attention and counseling are far less likely to regret their decisions or change their minds, so helping support these women is in everyone’s best interest.

Seek therapy and support elsewhere – Many prospective adoptive parents start the adoption process while still in mourning for other losses.  Many families may not have fully overcome their disappointment from infertility treatments.  Unfortunately these families may misdirect their sadness or frustration toward agency staff in a manner that is counter-productive to their own goals.  Seek out an appropriate therapist or professional support group that will allow you to work out sadness or disappointment, or just vent your frustrations about the process.

September Book Reviews

All reviewed books are available in our branch offices or in our online store.

You Can Adopt: An Adoptive Families Guide: by Susan Caughman and Isolde Motley – From Adoptive Families magazine, the country’s leading resource on adoption, this warm, authoritative book is full of practical, realistic advice from leading attorneys, doctors, social workers, and psychologists, as well as honest, intimate stories from real parents and children.  It is easy to read and follow and answers questions that you may not have thought of.  A great place to start for parents just looking into adoption and also a great book for parents already in the process.  Topics include, where to start, costs, the wait, accepting a match or referral, what happens if the adoption falls through, how to talk to your children and much more.

Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogates: Answering tough questions and building strong families: by Diane Ehrensaft – An extraordinarily sensitive yet comprehensive book about the issues raised when building a family through assisted reproduction.   She covers everything from the fears and fantasies of parents-to-be to whether, when, and what to tell children about their origins.  There are many books out there on this topic but this is one of the best we have found.  Extememly insightful and helpful.

In their Siblings’ Voices by Rita J Simon & Rhonda Roorda – Shares the stories of twenty white non-adopted siblings who grew up with black or biracial brothers and sisters in the late 1960s and 1970s.  These siblings offer their perspectives on the multiracial adoption experience, which, for them, played out against the backdrop of two tumultuous, politically charged decades.  This book helps readers fully grasp the dynamic of living in a multiracial household and its effect on friends, school, and community. While the times have changed race does still matter in America and this book reminds parents to be racially conscious and not pretend that the world is now color-blind.