Make The Best of Hairy Situations

Ethnic hair care can be a struggle for any parent. It can be especially challenging for parents raising a child of a different race-with a completely different hair type. Caucasians, and most other ethnicities, manage their hair by essentially removing oils, the goal for African-Americans is to put oil and moisture back into the hair.   The concept of hair care may seem like a minute part of parenting but it’s important to understand why other cultures value it so much.

Cultural Meaning of Hair Care

In African-American culture, the condition and style of hair says a lot about a person— for children it can signify how they are treated at home. Disheveled, unkempt hair can suggest that a child isn’t well cared for. Traditionally, hair care is associated with dignity; it reflects pride and a mother’s love.  It’s easy to see the pressure facing adoptive parents to learn how to manage their child’s hair properly… for fear of being judged harshly.

It’s Personal

The main difficulty is the fact that the regiment of treatment is different for every individual; it’s about finding a personalized combination of product and technique—it involves a lot of trial and error. Most likely you will need to use a combination of products—curl relaxer, detangler, and conditioner— to comb through the hair.

Seek Advice From Others

The styles can be daunting and overwhelming. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Contact a local adoption agency to find out if they offer any hair technique classes (AFTH offers some throughout the year).  You would be surprised to find just how “not alone” you are.  Also check-out local salons for classes, and there are hundreds of videos are available on YouTube—it really helps to watch someone else braid!

Use Hair Care to Bond With Your Child

Look at this culture practice as a blessing. Hair styling is a bonding time for women in the African American community.  Do your best to learn how to do it yourself– what better way for you and your child to spend intimate quality time together? Conditioning and styling the hair can take up to a few hours, but it is a great time to talk, sing and relax with your child.

Tips:

• Massage the scalp on a regular basis-stimulate oil production, reducing dryness.
• Always use conditioner-hydrate daily. Pay special attention to the ends of hair.
• Do NOT shampoo daily, once per week recommended. Rinse only with H2O between shampoos.
• Rub hair only in one direction to avoid tangling.
• Use products with a low PH level. Key ingredients: wheat germ, jojoba oil, shea butter, coconut oil, silk amino acids, etc.
• Avoid synthetic oils. Avoid products containing alcohol, these dry the hair.
• Shower with warm water; hot water can dry and irritate the scalp.
• Be gentle. Use a wide tooth comb or pick, avoid fine combs. Invest in a quality brush- natural boar brushes are best.
• Before swimming, wet hair and apply a coat of conditioner to the hair. This will fill up the gaps in her hair shaft and act as a barrier from the chlorinated water. Follow up with a little club soda for a good post-pool rinse. Wear a swim cap if possible.

Check-Out More Resources:

Discover hair types and some extra tips: Naturally Curly Hair Types, Great Mommy Hair Blog!

Natural Plant-based Ingredients: komazacare.com, carolsdaughter.com

Products for Bi-racial Hair: curls.biz , mixedchicks.net, naturallycurly.com

Positive Stereotypes

Everyone knows about the effects of negative stereotyping but what about the effects of positive stereotyping?  What is positive stereotyping? All African-Americans are great athletes, all Asians are good at playing musical instruments, Hispanics are good at dancing etc…. while these may sound positive these stereotypes can be just as damaging as negative stereotypes.

Every person has their own gifts and talents and by using even these positive stereotypes for our children we are not allowing them to find their own potential.  Explore what your child is interested in not what you think they will be interested in due to their heritage or race. Studies have shown that when we put these types of positive stereotypes on children they actually perform worse than if they are allowed to find their own path.

Pay attention when you go to parent teacher conferences to make sure that teachers aren’t labeling your child with positive stereotypes as well.  Your child may be struggling but it is being overlooked because the teacher just assumes they are doing well due to a stereotype.  These types of stereotypes aren’t considered bad by most people and research is just coming to light regarding how damaging these can be to children.

Take the power of stereotypes away by explaining them to your children.  Discuss them make them see where they came from and give examples of people who may not fit into the stereotype.  By dispelling the stereotypes we are allowing our children to break away from using these as well.  The goal is to see the individual and not the stereotype.

January Book Reviews

All books purchased by clicking the link in our review will give AFTH a small donation from Amazon.com.  If you are interested in purchasing one of the books in our review please consider buying it through our link to amazon.com.

Waiting to Forget by Sheila Kelly Welch -  written in the voice of 13 year old TJ this is a powerful book about family.  TJ’s sister is in the ER after falling down the stairs, while waiting to see if she will be okay TJ goes through his “life book”.  Looking back on “then” you see what has happened in TJ’s short life and why he is struggling to fit in with his new adoptive family. “Now” tell of his wait and his conflicting emotions regarding his allegiance to his biological family and his want of love from his adoptive family.  A powerful and great book for understanding foster children and what they may have gone through, and their conflicted emotions toward their biological and adoptive parents.   Amazon.com price $9.99 for the paperback

On Their Own: What Happens to Kids When They Age Out of the Foster Care System by Martha Shirk & Gary Stangler - This is a basic guide to the foster care system. Children in the foster care system are on their own once they turn 18 years old.  Although there are now numerous programs in place to extend services to these children up to age 21, many are on their own.  This book tells the stories of several children who have aged out of the system. Its real and heartbreaking, there are several ideas in the back of the book on what people can do to help these children succeed and not get left behind. amazon.com price $ 10.99

Adopting the Hurt Child by Gregory Keck & Regina Kupecky - Unfortunately the world is not the color blind place many parents wish it was.  By ignoring race and racial discrimination white parents who adopt black children are doing their children a disservice.  Even the black community needs to step up and look at their biases and examine how to help trans-racially adopted children embrace and love their differences.  Darron Smith has written a book with good information in a rather dry format.  More of a text book than a novel the information is great if you can muddle through dry prose.  If you are adopting trans-racially I recommend you borrow this one from the library and be open to some of the ideas. amazon.com price $28.59

Do your children need their own rooms?

Should your children be in separate rooms? Some siblings want their own space; others don’t like to  be alone. Of course the size and layout of your home is an important consideration. But if you have the option of giving each child his or her own room, take some time to determine whether it’s really what your family wants – or needs. Here are factors to consider:

• The children’s personalities: Some siblings prefer each other’s company and aren’t as happy being alone, even if they seem to fight all the time. Don’t jump to conclusions about what’s best without talking to them and observing their behavior.
• Age and gender: Sisters and brothers can share rooms successfully when they’re young, as long as they have a reasonable amount of privacy. But as they grow older you’ll need to find separate rooms for them.
• Independence and privacy: Children who have their own rooms will feel more freedom and a greater sense of privacy, which can support their personal needs in terms of security and self reliance (as well as what posters to hang on their walls).
• Bonding: Siblings who share a room learn how to solve problems and compromise. They may also be better prepared for sharing college dorm rooms or after they graduate, an apartment.

The Truth about Mothers: They’re Human, too

Being a mother can be stressful. But admitting that you sometimes need a break can be hard, given the expectations that society has for the “perfect” mother. Not to mention how long and hard you have worked through infertility to finally achieve your goal of being a mother.

A survey of some 25,000 moms (reported on the Parenting.com website) uncovered some secrets about what mothers secretly want, and don’t want from their lives. Some of the findings:

• 88% of moms harshly judge other mothers for such things as a child’s misbehavior or weight.
• 84% of moms use their parental responsibilities as an excuse to avoid other obligations.
• 53% of moms would prefer a good nights sleep to sex.
• 49% of mothers have sent their children to school when they’re sick.
• 23% of mothers say what they want most is some time alone.
• 18% of mothers have medicated their children to ensure a quiet car trip or fight and 8% have done so for the sake of a quiet night at home.
• 14% of mothers favor one child over another.

The 88% of moms who judge other moms is one of the most disturbing statistic in this mix.  Maybe as mom’s we should cut each other some slack and know that most of us are doing the best we can.  Parenting is hard work! You don’t know what else is going on in someone else’s world so its best not to judge too harshly.  Not everyone is perfect and maybe if we support each other we can help each other instead of cutting each other down.  - just a thought and maybe something to reach for in the coming new year.

Holidays in Adoption

Reposted with permission by Kelsey Stewart……Kelsey is the author of The Best For You, a children’s book written from her point of view explaining a birth mother’s choices for her child. She will be hosting a giveaway for a chance to win her book starting today on her blog, A Birth Mother Voice. There is more than one way to enter this giveaway, so please click the link for your chance to enter. http://thebestforyoubook.blogspot.com Entries will be accepted until Sunday, December 26th at midnight. 

Holidays can be quite hard for some people. The Christmas carols, the endless lists of shopping to do, the planning of the meals, trying to squeeze into that festive dress that mysteriously became tighter since all of the plates of goodies came streaming into the office or the occasional get together with friends. It can all be daunting and stressful to say the least.

In adoption, facing Holidays can often mean facing demons that linger in the deepest parts of our hearts. For many, this Season is for reconnecting with family we may have not seen for a while. But for many in adoption, this Season is just a reminder of what it is that they do not have. For some adoptees this whole month and a half of Holidays is just a reminder that they have a family somewhere that they do not know. It can be very hard to sit with people that you know loves you, that you know cherishes the person that you are, and you know that they only want to make you feel welcome within their families. However, even with all the love and acceptance that is bestowed upon those adoptees, there are those that most likely have a feeling that they do not belong. All the love in the world cannot squash the need to know who you are and where you come from. And that need to know who you are is never stronger than the Season meant for family, friends and giving. I can certainly understand when an adoptee tells me they do not like the Holidays.

For those of us in the birth family, Holidays are hit and miss. Some years are good. Some years are unbearable. Yet some years, depending on where one is in the healing process, can be filled with hope and peace. I admit that Holidays in the beginning were very difficult. I would go through the motions, open the presents, smile and talk with loved ones, eat a hearty meal and then send everyone off with well wishes and all the while my head was somewhere else. It was not always sad for me, but rather just thinking about what it was that I was missing was my demon. My mind would not stop thinking about how their hearts felt on Christmas morning. Did they know that there was someone thinking only of them on Christmas? Did they know that there was someone missing them on Christmas Eve as they were preparing for Santa to come? Were they baking cookies? Do they stay up late waiting to catch a glimpse of the Big Man putting presents under the tree? What do they want most this year? Will they ever understand just how much I love them?

But, the older I got the easier the Holidays became. Instead of beating myself up about how much they did not know I was missing them, I would think of how much they were loved and cared for. I thought of how much they were loved by those that surrounded them. I thought about how amazing it was that they were growing into their own selves, their own people. I learned to forgive myself for all the guilt I carried for not raising them. I learned to let go, to accept that that cannot be changed. I learned to love myself for the person I was because after all, I would like to think that my children would want me to love myself. I learned that life is not always going to be what we want it to be, and in that thought why not just let go and allow life to love me for a change? I learned after years of soul searching and facing those demons of Holidays past that I am my own destiny. I am a mother of loss, but I am not a lost mother.

It may be easier to read than to do, but let my journey teach you this about adoption: No matter what side of adoption you are from and no matter what circumstances brought you to where you are, YOU are the one that has to live with you. YOU are the one who chooses what path to take in life. YOU are ultimately responsible for you, and once you learn to love yourself for all that you are then you can begin to forgive yourself for all your misgivings. No one else can be you, and there is no reason to let someone else define who you are. The Holidays were not meant to remind us of what we don’t have, but rather to embrace what it is that we DO have … and hopefully we can recognize that life is what we make of it.

December Book Reviews

All books purchased by clicking the link in our review will give AFTH a small donation from Amazon.com.  If you are interested in purchasing one of the books in our review please consider buying it through our link to amazon.com.

Daddy, Where’s Your Vagina? What I Learned As a Stay-at-home Dad by Joe Schatz-  This funny memoir of being a stay at home dad to three daughters came from Schatz’s blog of his experiences.  This book is funny, insightful and informative. It shows that Dad’s are just as good at parenting as Mom’s and gives them the credibility that many don’t receive from the community.  Amazon.com price $17.99 for the paperback

Silent Tears by Kay Bratt - Kay and her husband along with their young daughter move to China for her husband to help start a company.  During their stay Kay volunteers in an orphanage and what she sees there outrages and disheartens her.  She decides to make it  her mission to help these unwanted children. The text is taken from pages of her journal while she was in China and also interspersed are stories. This is not an emotionally easy read but it does make a profound impact.  amazon.com price $ 10.13

Adopting the Hurt Child by Gregory Keck & Regina Kupecky - An amazing book for anyone who is considering adopting an older child.  This book will help you to think long and hard about your possible parenting capabilities and if you can handle the challenge.  To know what you may be dealing with is better than to walk blindly into a situation you may not be comfortable handling.  The details are not always pretty it may be difficult to believe some of what you read but  this book not only deals with the issues of attachment and other developmental issues of the adoptive child, but it gives you practical strategies to overcome and deal with them. amazon.com price 12.10

How Much Did Your Kid Cost?

I stumbled upon a great blog post that has gone viral on facebook by Dan Pearce called I’m Christian, as long as your not Gay, which I can’t say enough about but that isn’t the reason for this post. After reading that post and the follow up posts to it and wiping away my tears I noticed another post in the list above it titled: “How much did YOUR kid Cost?“

Dan is father.  His son does not look like him.  Dan’s son was adopted.  Dan and his family as well as many other families who have adopted children of different races have been subjected to the ignorance of others over the years by what I hope is only curiosity and unthinking comments.  Dan writes about an incident that happened when he was out with his son,

“You see, today when I was at the store with Noah, somebody had the nerve to ask me, right in front of Noah, “how much did he cost?” And this was the second time somebody has asked that absolutely ridiculous and insensitive question to me; I know his mom has heard it too.”

I was heartbroken when I read this.  I hope that people will one day be educated about adoption and will  stop and think about the things they say BEFORE they say them.  Dan states,

“Don’t put your nose where it doesn’t belong. Respect my father-son relationship for what it is and don’t lessen it. Don’t talk about my son like he’s not even there or too little to understand.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Have you ever experienced something like this? How do you handle such ignorant questions when you are out?

What do children really want from their parents?

An interesting interview with Ellen Galinsky, the president and co-founder of the Families and Work Institute, a Manhattan-based nonprofit organization conducting research on the changing family, workplace, and community. She is also the author of Ask the Children, a book based on her extensive survey of more than 1,000 children that measured how they felt about their family relationships and their parents’ work lives.

So what do children REALLY want from their parents? It’s not more time (as most parents guessed in this study). It’s for their parents to be less stressed from work. They wanted their parents to be calm, relaxed and engaged even if they were pushing them away.  So for parents the message is to “Hang in there”.

Read more about this fascinating study….http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/teenbrain/interviews/galinsky.html#ixzz1eSAFKafe 

Pediatricians Sharpen SIDS recommendations

Putting babies down to sleep on their backs has drastically reduced the occurrence of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). Yet, SIDS still strikes at a rate that makes it the leading cause of infant death. In order to provide a safe sleeping environment for infants, follow these updated safe-sleeping guidelines provided by the American Academy of Pediatrics:

1. Infants should be placed for sleep in a supine (face up) position (wholly on the back) for every sleep. Side sleeping is not as safe as supine sleeping and is not advised.

2. Use a firm sleep surface: Soft materials or objects such as pillows, quilts, comforters, or sheepskins should not be placed under a sleeping infant. A firm crib mattress, covered by a sheet, is the recommended sleeping surface.

3. Keep soft objects and loose bedding out of the crib.

4. Do not smoke during pregnancy: Maternal smoking during pregnancy has emerged as a major risk factor in almost every epidemiologic study of SIDS

5. A separate but proximate sleeping environment is recommended: The risk of SIDS has been shown to be reduced when the infant sleeps in the same room as the mother. A crib, bassinet, or cradle that conforms to the safety standards of the Consumer Product Safety Commission and ASTM (formerly the American Society for Testing and Materials) is recommended. Although bed-sharing rates are increasing in the United States for a number of reasons, including facilitation of breastfeeding, the task force concludes that the evidence is growing that bed sharing, as practiced in the United States and other Western countries, is more hazardous than the infant sleeping on a separate sleep surface and, therefore, recommends that infants not bed share during sleep. Infants may be brought into bed for nursing or comforting but should be returned to their own crib or bassinet when the parent is ready to return to sleep

6. Consider offering a pacifier at nap time and bedtime:

Although the mechanism is not known, the reduced risk of SIDS associated with pacifier use during sleep is compelling, and the evidence that pacifier use inhibits breastfeeding or causes later dental complications is not. Until evidence dictates otherwise, the task force recommends use of a pacifier throughout the first year of life according to the following procedures:

• The pacifier should be used when placing the infant down for sleep and not be reinserted once the infant falls asleep. If the infant refuses the pacifier, he or she should not be forced to take it.

• Pacifiers should not be coated in any sweet solution.

• Pacifiers should be cleaned often and replaced regularly.

• For breastfed infants, delay pacifier introduction until 1 month of age to ensure that breastfeeding is firmly established.

7. Avoid overheating: The infant should be lightly clothed for sleep, and the bedroom temperature should be kept comfortable for a lightly clothed adult. Over bundling should be avoided, and the infant should not feel hot to the touch.

8. Avoid commercial devices marketed to reduce the risk of SIDS: Although various devices have been developed to maintain sleep position or to reduce the risk of rebreathing, none have been tested sufficiently to show efficacy or safety.

9. Do not use home monitors as a strategy to reduce the risk of SIDS: Electronic respiratory and cardiac monitors are available to detect cardio respiratory arrest and may be of value for home monitoring of selected infants who are deemed to have extreme cardio respiratory instability. However, there is no evidence that use of such home monitors decreases the incidence of SIDS. Furthermore, there is no evidence that infants at increased risk of SIDS can be identified by in-hospital respiratory or cardiac monitoring.

10. Avoid development of positional plagiocephaly: Encourage “tummy time” when the infant is awake and observed. This will also enhance motor development.